


A Good Start

by Thenerdintheattic



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Drunken Confessions, Drunken Kissing, First Kiss, Fluff, M/M, POV Reiner Braun, Reibert Week 2018, Second Kiss, drunk bertholdt is my new favourite kind of bertholdt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-25
Updated: 2018-07-25
Packaged: 2019-06-15 14:40:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,984
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15415215
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thenerdintheattic/pseuds/Thenerdintheattic
Summary: When Reiner and Annie fight again, Bertholdt decides he's got enough and gets drunk. It's then up to Reiner to make sure that he doesn't say anything compromising.First day of the ReiBert Week 2018 - First Kiss





	A Good Start

“And stop pretending to be someone you're not.”

Despite the gravity of the situation, Reiner cannot help but find the whole thing kind of funny. They've been arguing for a while now, their voices growing louder as the conversation was becoming more and more heated, yet Annie's accusation has almost been whispered. He's heard her loud and clear, of course – they're alone outside, everyone else is in the barracks enjoying a rare moment of freedom. And in the dusk, it almost feels like this particular crime (because he can see on Annie's face that it is a crime indeed) is even more serious than anything he's done before. Breaching the wall, killing all those people (ok, they're demons, but even him understands that they are still _people_ ) is nothing compared to lying to himself. Or at least that's what she thinks.

Reiner blinks. He would like to answer something witty and implacable but nothing comes to his mind and he just stands there, completely taken aback. Annie crosses her arms in victory as a smirk appears on her lips. She's usually not the one to be smug about things but she must be very proud of herself at this moment.

“We all know who you really are, _Reiner_.”

She insists on his name, and boy this one hurts. It takes him a while to think of a decent answer but by this time, she's already gone and he just stays alone in the growing dark because Bertholdt has abandoned them a while ago. Reiner didn't think much of it at the time, he was too pissed off by Annie, but now he finds this reaction odd. Bertholdt always stays. He never participates in their heated arguments, unless he has to, but he always remains with them to make sure that Annie and Reiner don't kill each other.

Reiner sighs. Fuck Bertholdt, fuck Annie and fuck everyone else because he just feels like it. It was supposed to be a nice evening. For the first time in ages, the cadets have the night and the following day off. No curfew, no obligations, no need to get up at dawn. It almost feels like a holiday. Or at least, it had until Annie had started to accuse him of being too friendly with the "demons". Reiner doesn't think he's being too friendly - he's undercover and, yes, being nice to them is a good way not to raise their suspicions. So be it. It's not like Annie is doing a great job herself. Being so cold and distant all the time is definitely not the best way to gain their trust. But she doesn't seem to understand that.

He starts to head towards the barracks. He can hear the others having fun inside and, hell, he could do with some fun just about now. Besides, there is a lot of wine provided for the occasion and he's certain that a bit of alcohol will help with his bad mood. He opens the door to the smell of sweat and bad wine and for the first time, he realises that teenage boys do stink. A lot. Maybe, he should just go back outside.

“And BAM! That's how Reiner got his ass kicked by a girl for the first time.”

The words don't make sense right away in Reiner's mind. It's the voice that catches his attention. His mouth half open in mild shock, he searches for the origin of the commotion and, yes, that voice is definitely Bertholdt's. The same Bertholdt who usually speaks very softly, in a low soothing voice; the boy who has made it a life rule not to be at the centre of the attention and who hardly puts himself forwards. Reiner rubs his chin. It doesn't even sound like him – Bertholdt would have never said that, he would have never used that high pitched tone and he wouldn't be standing in the middle of a small crowd – since he's taller than anyone else, Reiner doesn't have any trouble spotting him.

“And it has never stopped since then.” Bertholdt continues. “To be perfectly honest, I think he kind of likes it. He's ...”

“Bertholdt!” Reiner almost runs towards his friend, slightly panicked.

“Reiner!” A huge grin, so unlike Bertholdt, eats half of his face. “I was talking about you.”

As he gets closer, Reiner notices Bertholdt's red cheeks and his dilated pupils and his disheveled hair and, oh god, Bertholdt is drunk! He makes his way through the crowd to join his friend and needs to gather all his strength to drag him away from his audience.

“Come on Reiner, don't be so uptight.” Someone says, laughing. They probably imagine that he doesn't want Bertholdt to tell any more embarrassing stories about him and that's kind of reassuring. It means that at least Bertholdt hasn't said anything really compromising. Yet. He giggles in response.

“Sorry guys, some things are better left buried.”

He doesn't need to drag Bertholdt anymore because the drunk boy has passed his arm around Reiner's shoulders and walks next to him in a very insecure manner towards a dark corner. Reiner rolls his eyes. Why on earth did Bertholdt have to get drunk? When he's sure no one will hear them, he stops and faces Bertholdt. The drunk boy is staring at him without blinking and it kind of makes Reiner uncomfortable, although he's aware that those eyes could probably melt anything. He clears his throat – it's not the time to think like that - and looks away.

“What are you doing?” he asks, maybe more harshly than he has first intended. Bertholdt smiles, a pure, relaxed grin that Reiner has never seen on his face until then.

“You always say I should lose the broom I have up my ass. That's what I'm doing.”

A wave of guilt washes over Reiner. He's only said such a thing once, maybe twice, and only when he was pissed off at Annie. He has never really meant it. True, Bertholdt could do with some fun sometimes but saying that he has a broom up his ass is unfair, to say the least. He wants to apologise but the smile on Bertholdt's face is brighter than ever and he realises that his friend is actually having fun, probably for the first time in a very long time. If ever. He smiles back, his anger completely gone.

“Do you want to stay?”

“Please!”

He's never seen Bertholdt look so happy and cannot muster the courage to drag him to bed. After all, he might even have a nice time too, he just has to make sure to be extra careful that his recently talkative friend doesn't say too much.

“Ok. But don't mention home, right? And don't speak about our mission, you understand?” Bertholdt nods. “And don't say anything about Annie either.”

Bertholdt suddenly looks very serious and for a moment, he looks like he's back to his old self. But then he clumsily mimick locking his mouth and throwing the key away and Reiner feels somewhat reassured. They go back to their friends, who have found another subject of conversation while they were gone. Forgetting his shyness, Bertholdt joins in and Reiner is surprised to see that his friend is quite funny and witty when he's drunk. He stands a bit aside, arms crossed, and looks at him share his opinion on whatever topic they're discussing.

“Hey Bertholdt! You have any more embarrassing stories about Reiner?” Connie asks.

Bertholdt throws a look at Reiner who nods in acknowledgment. Bertholdt bits his lower lip – a gesture that brings shivers down Reiner's spine - and looks away. Somehow, Reiner feels that he misses Bertholdt's eyes on him.

“No. I don't have any more embarrassing stories.”

Bertholdt's voice is quite steady for a drunk guy. Even wasted, he retains some kind of core dignity and Reiner feels a bit jealous. He hasn't been drunk on many occasions – it's difficult to let yourself go when you carry such a heavy secret – but he remembers a lot of embarrassment, throwing up on Annie and even more embarrassment. At least, Bertholdt seems to be able to hold his liquor.

“But I can tell you why he's such a great guy.”

Reiner frowns. He's not a great guy. He tries. A lot. But he's not a great guy. He doesn't even reach the “good guy” level. He's stuck at “stinking piece of shit”, no matter how hard he tries. He would have expected this admiration from any of those guys, though. They don't know the real him. But Bertholdt? He knows, just like Annie. He knows that he doesn't have anything particular going for him – he's not clever, not a good fighter, not even a good leader. He pretends to be, just like he pretends to be someone else but he knows that they're aware that he's not doing a good job at it. Damn, wasn't it why he and Annie had started to fight just before? He doesn't know where his friend is going with this but whatever it is, he doesn't like it.

“Back in our hometown” Bertholdt continues and Reiner tenses up. He makes a move towards his friend ready to shut him up if he gets too talkative again. “My dad would get ill pretty much every winter. Reiner was the only one asking about him. He was the only one asking how I was doing.”

Reiner's eyes open wide. He remembers the first time Bertholdt had told him that his father was chronically ill and that it was usually getting worse during the winter. He remembers the tiredness and tension in the boy's eyes. He remembers asking regularly about it, especially when the weather was getting cold, he remembers the smile in his friend's eyes when Reiner was asking _him_ how he was feeling about it. Bertholdt would never give a long answer, even back then it wasn't his type to talk about his feelings, but it was rather obvious that he was touched by the attention. Reiner had never known he'd been the only one asking. The only one caring. Was that the reason why Bertholdt had started to stand beside him, helping him with the homework, teaching him to shoot decently, picking up the pieces after he was being beaten up by Porco? He looks up at Bertholdt and Bertholdt looks down at him and there is something in his best friend's eyes that he's never seen before.

“Reiner is the one who remembers my birthday every year, he's the one who always makes sure I can sit in the shadow during the summer, he's the one who asks every morning how I've slept and who brings me cherries everytime he gets his hands on them because he knows I love them.”

What is going on in Bertholdt's mind? He just stares and smiles and this looks so out of character that Reiner wants to tell him to shut up because he's going to regret saying all those things when he sobers up. But at the same time, he feels uplifted knowing that Bertholdt notices all those little attentions, he feels uplifted because maybe he's right – he's a great guy. Not a great warrior, not particularly skilled, but he's a good friend because he'll always put Bertholdt's well being before his own. There are no doubts about that.

It feels like Bertholdt has forgotten about the others around them but Reiner is very conscious of their presence, very conscious of their silence and how they stare waiting for something more. He would like to tell Bertholdt how great he is too, for always protecting him but he can't because that would be disclosing too much information in front of those morons. He clenches his jaw and breaks eye contact with Bertholdt.

“That's what brothers do, right?”

He pats Bertholdt on the shoulder and hates himself a little bit for that because his friend has opened up and being petted like a bloody dog is not what he deserves. Suddenly, he just wants to get the hell out of here because it's not fun anymore. Bertholdt is no longer having fun, he's just staring at him, looking heartbroken and the others are back to their silly conversation about some girl and Reiner just wants to tell them to shut up. He briefly closes his eyes and when he opens them again, Bertholdt is standing very very close to him. His eyes are a bit out of focus and his cheeks are still red and Reiner cannot help but think that drunk Bertholdt is just the cutest thing he's ever seen. He looks up at his friend and wants to ask him what he's doing so close – not that it's making him uncomfortable but Bertholdt's breath smells like wine and it's not the best thing in the world. But before he can say a word, Bertholdt leans down towards him and just like that, they are at the centre of the attention again.

“Reiner, I love you.”

Two or three guys giggle close to them and Reiner fights the urge to punch them. He doesn't understand what it means because, yes, he loves Bertholdt but Bertholdt loves Annie and Reiner has accepted the fact that he's condemned to just look at his friend from far away, condemned to never get him.

He sighs. Finally staying here is not such a good idea after all, and he would love to go away and stay alone but Bertholdt needs to be babysitted and at this moment he hates him almost as much as he loves him. What right does he have to say something like that? He has to give an answer though because Bertholdt is waiting, everyone else is waiting and with every second, his silence is becoming more and more eloquent. Yes, I love you too, but probably not the same way you do. He can't risk that.

“Yeah, me too, man.”

These words hurt him more than any blow Porco has thrown at him. But Reiner smiles nonetheless and gives a look around. That's why he doesn't see Bertholdt lean even closer to him, that's why he doesn't see him move to cup his face and turn it his way and that's why he's completely taken aback when Bertholdt's mouth crashes on his. His first instinct is to move back because he doesn't understand what is happening to him but Bertholdt is stronger than he looks and he can just open his eyes wide again. Bertholdt's hair is tickling his forehead, the smell of wine kind of makes him nauseated and ... oh god Bertholdt is kissing him. It's not at all like he has imagined it. In his dreams they're alone and his friend is not drunk and it's slightly more romantic. Not that Reiner is romantic but this kiss is far from being satisfactory. Reiner briefly wonders if it's because Bertholdt has never kissed anyone or if it's because he's wasted. But then it hits him. It doesn't matter because, perfect or not, it's finally happening. Bertholdt is kissing him. He forgets all about the others around him (they're probably staring in shock) and wraps his arms around Bertholdt and kisses him back. It's not awkward anymore and it's not romantic. It's just weird and Reiner knows he's going to regret it very soon because that's probably not what sober Bertholdt would have liked to do but the moment is too precious to think about this kind of things for now.

When they separate, Bertholdt seems to be a bit out of breath but he's smiling. Reiner doesn't want to get his hopes too high though. It was probably just a drunk-guy thing and his friend probably won't remember it in the morning. The guys around them start to talk all at the same time and cheer and Bertholdt abandons him to join them and drink another glass of wine. Well, it was nice while it lasted. Reiner sits down further away and just looks at Bertholdt dancing. Despite the weight in his heart, he cannot help a laugh because if his friend is usually quite graceful in his movements (despite his size), he now moves his body so clumsily and awkwardly that Reiner has the impression of looking at some kind of weird animal.

Reiner pensively brushes his lips with his fingers. He can still feel the ghost of Bertholdt's mouth on his and although he should be happy about it and enjoy it while it lasts, it leaves him with a bittersweet taste at the back of his throat.

__________________

 

Reiner wakes up to the sound of a conversation. He slowly opens his eyes to see Armin and Eren chatting next to his bunk and throws them a death glare. Who just goes on babbling about the weather next to their obviously hangovered friend? Wait. Are they commenting on Bertholdt's position again? The threatening glare intensifies (Reiner doesn't care about his cover right now – he's barely slept a couple of hours – he could just transform on the spot and wreck the whole place) and they finally seem to get the message. When they 're gone, he closes his eyes again and tries to go back to sleep but the memory of the evening comes back to his mind. The fight with Annie, drunk Bertholdt, the kiss, more drunk Bertholdt, Bertholdt throwing up outside and asking Reiner to cut his head because he feels like he's dying. He sighs. Yeah, drunk Bertholdt was cute and fun at first. But when he had started whining and becoming less and less coherent, Reiner had started to doubt he even had a crush on the guy to begin with. He has never imagined that Bertholdt could become so dramatic. Thank god, no one was around then to hear him beg for the sweet release of death.

Yet, Reiner opens his eyes, turns towards Bertholdt and smiles. Ok, his friend can get quite annoying when he's had too much to drink – who isn't anyway? But he's still Bertholdt, he's still tall and adorable and loyal and Reiner is still in love like a freaking teenage girl.

For once, Bertholdt is sleeping in a normal position, his face buried in his pillows. Probably that's what Eren and Armin were commenting about. Reiner looks at him for a while, reliving the kiss in his mind and cannot help but brush his friend's ear with his fingers. Bertholdt moans and turns on his side, facing Reiner. He looks positively awful and a grimace soon deforms his face.

“Morning, sleepy.” Reiner teases.

Bertholdt groans and opens his eyes. A hundred emotions pass through his eyes when he sees Reiner : joy, dread, desperation, and he moans again.

“How do you feel?” Reiner asks.

“Dead.”

Reiner laughs. Apparently, Bertholdt is still awfully dramatic. The hangovered boy tries to sit up but his face turns a weird shade of green and he lies back slowly, an expression of pure pain on his face.

“Why did you let me drink so much, Reiner? Why?”

“You were happy.”

Bertholdt closes his eyes. He doesn't seem to be quite convinced by that but he's probably feeling too bad to argue. Reiner leans closer to look at him. He would like to lie against him and cuddle his hangover away but he remembers that the kiss probably meant nothing. When Bertholdt opens his eyes again, looking mortified, Reiner puts more distance between them.

“Please tell me I didn't do, or say, anything stupid!” Bertholdt moans.

Reiner sighs. He's not sure of what he should say – after all, he's never had to deal with a hangovered friend before. He decides to start with the more obvious.

“Well, you almost blew our cover up when you mentioned Annie kicking my ass. Thank god, you never really said her name so I don't think anyone will be able to put two and two together.”

Bertholdt's green face turns white with the realisation that he probably screwed up big time. He brings his knees close to his chest in a fetal position.

“Did I say anything else?”

“Nothing compromising, no. But you do get talkative when you're drunk.”

Bertholdt's expression become very focused as if he was trying very hard to remember without really managing.

“I remember doing something incredibly stupid.”

Reiner's stomach twists painfully. There it is. The kiss. For Bertholdt, it's something stupid. Yet, Reiner is not ready to give up yet. He's not going to let it go so easily.

“You did a lot of stupid things. You'll have to be more precise.”

Bertholdt grimaces. He closes his eyes again and Reiner observes him closely. He's still very white. Too white. He doesn't look happy anymore, just tired and sick and Reiner hopes he's not going to throw up again because he loves Bertholdt, yes, but he's not ready to see him like that any time soon.

“I'm not sure.” Bertholdt answers. “I just remember thinking at the time 'What am I doing? Stop that.' But I don't know what it was.”

Reiner is aware that he has to tell him about the kiss. He'll be teased about it as soon as he sets foot outside of the dorm and he should be prepared for it.

“Well... I can tell you a couple of very stupid things you did. Then you can tell me which one was the 'incredibly stupid' one.”

Bertholdt opens his eyes and nods. Reiner braces himself. He doesn't want things to get weird between them, and as much as he would like to keep the kiss for himself, he knows he has to spit it out.

“Ok. You danced. A lot. Which was quite a treat really, because you suck at it. Was that it?”

Bertholdt shakes his head. His eyes are locked on Reiner's face, his mouth is half open and Reiner curses himself for finding him so desirable. Not the right moment. 

“Alright. You said that … you loved me.”

There's no reaction there. Reiner tries to ignore the sinking feeling in his heart and continues.

“You kissed me.”

There it is. Reiner kind of expects shock at this point or anger or whatever guilt-related but there is nothing. Bertholdt's face is blank as if he hasn't heard what has just been said. For the love of god, that wasn't the best of time to go deaf. But Reiner knows his friend has heard him. There's no one around, no sound. Nothing but them and the awkwardness that he can already feel grow between them. Great. He lowers his head – he can't stand looking at this face anymore, he can't stand that absence of reaction and would love to shout at his friend to just say something because the silence is killing him. But he doesn't do any of that. What's the point?

Reiner buries his face in his pillow. He didn't want to make a big deal out of it. Maybe he should have just played it cool but it just felt wrong. He feels so insecure again and it's a strange feeling because he hasn't felt this way in a long time. He's used to be the leader, the one who is sure of himself, the big brother, and suddenly he's back to being this boy who shouldn't even be a warrior in the first place. He's a joke, a fraud and he needs to get a grip over himself because he can't lose it now. They are into enemy territory, they have a mission.

“Reiner, look at me.” Bertholdt's voice almost makes him jump. It is low and reassuring and somehow it feels like home. Reiner looks up from his pillow and in Bertholdt's eyes, he finds the strength to be in control again.

“Did you like it?”

Reiner doesn't know what to say. He blinks twice. Yes. Yes, of course, he liked it, of course, he wants to do it again, and yes, he feels that it would be unfair to hide the truth from Bertholdt. But by not telling him that his feelings towards him have changed, by not telling him that he's into guys, he's protecting himself. He can't be rejected, he can't lose Bertholdt but does he have the right to hide something that big from him? He nods before he has even decided that he'll spit it out. Finally. He's been dying to come out to his friend. Now it's finally happening and the apprehension is almost unbearable.

He doesn't know what he's expecting at this point. But it's certainly not this smile that eats Bertholdt's face, the same smile he had the night before when he was drunk and carefree. Reiner doesn't know what to do with that. Is Bertholdt mocking him? No. Is he happy? Yes, clearly. But why?

“Then the headache and the nausea and the dizziness are all worth it.”

Bertholdt moves closer and Reiner stops breathing, too scared to do anything that would send his friend away. He's not sure about what is happening and what Bertholdt means but now he's so close that their foreheads almost touch and he's an inch away from panicking.

“What?”

He would like to sound more secure about himself, but his voice is shaking and he curses himself.

“If I hadn't drunk so much yesterday, I would have never had the courage to tell you how I feel, let alone kiss you and we wouldn't know where we stand right now.”

Bertholdt bits his lower lip while staring at his mouth and Reiner's brain stop functioning for a moment. Wait. Where do we stand? And why are we still talking about kissing and not doing it, damnit? He smiles hungrily.

“So everything you said yesterday … it was true.”

“I don't remember what I said, Reiner. But if I did say that I love you, then yes. It's true.” He smiles back and adds : “And I can't believe I was too drunk to remember our first kiss.”

Reiner laughs. The tension is gone, his whole body feels so light and he just wants to bring Bertholdt close to him and kiss him, kiss him for a whole day, kiss him until he's sick of it.

“Well … I've always thought that the first kiss is kind of overrated. The second one, on the other hand ...”

He falls silent and they stare at each other for a minute. They're not smiling anymore, instead, they both look apprehensive and a bit scared because this time they're both sober, this time it's real and this time, their life is about to change. They both know that and yet, their faces move slowly toward the other's and they clumsily press their mouth together. It's awkward because they just stay like that for a while, without moving, too afraid to do anything, until Reiner opens his eyes to find Bertholdt looking at him and he can't help a laugh because he's never been so damn nervous in his whole life. His head moves back a bit and he takes Bertholdt's hand into his, intertwining their fingers. He brings the hand close to his mouth and kisses the fingers. It's easy and it comes more naturally than kissing Bertholdt on the mouth. He's dreamt about that many times but imagining is a completely different thing than doing. He doesn't want to screw this up.

“Close your eyes.”

Bertholdt does as he's told. Reiner can feel his nervosity, adding to his own, and it's actually better when his friend is not staring at him with his big fear-filled eyes. He kisses his thumb again and moves his face closer to Bertholdt's again, first kissing him at the corner of the lips before putting his lips on his mouth again. He's still freaking scared but this time Bertholdt kisses him back. They move closer to embrace each other, allowing the kiss to become more heated. They bite each other's lips and their teeth bump into the other's.

“Ouch!”

Reiner kills the kiss at once. He observes Bertholdt from every angle, trying to determine if he has injured him in some way and when he can't see any scratch on his precious skin, he allows himself to relax a bit.

“You bit my tongue!”

He apologises and tries to look at his friend's tongue but Bertholdt stops him with a smile.

“It's ok. You surprised me.”

The tall boy wraps himself around his friend. Reiner can smell the remnant of wine and sweat and also this sugary odour that Bertholdt wears naturally. It's not perfect. It's not even close to what he had fantasised about. And yet, as Bertholdt rests his head on Reiner's chest, it feels like the sky above their heads has cleared a bit and, yes, there is still hope. They'll see the mission to the end. They can do it, the two of them. With Annie. They can do it.

The rest doesn't matter.

“Sorry it wasn't the perfect kiss.” Bertholdt apologises.

Reiner laughs and kisses him on the top of the head.

“It doesn't matter. We have plenty of time to get better.”

He feels him relax against him. Outside, the morning is still young. They can go back to sleep, they can even stay in bed all day, today they can do whatever they want.

Reiner closes his eyes. His last conversation with Annie comes back to his mind. Maybe he'd been pretending to be someone he wasn't. Maybe he had to. But at this moment, with Bertholdt breathing regularly against his heart, he knows he's Reiner again. The real Reiner. And it should bother him – the real Reiner is a loser, the real Reiner has let Marcel die in his place – but he's ok with it because it's the real Reiner that Bertholdt loves and even though it's not going to solve all his problems overnight, it's already a good start.


End file.
